Inside her wee head she is doing cartwheels, wait until the fuckers see me on telly, they'll be jealous as fuck and look at me, oh wait I’ll nod my head and explain about how this plate was handed down from my family.
‘Oh yeah, my side of the family blah...’
Just make some shite up, nobody will know any different, half of them are asleep for fuck sake. Please let that useless husband of mine work the remote, I told him twenty times how to do it, it's not rocket science like, he's fuckin clueless. I've definitely made it now, everyone at church will be looking at me different now too, best get a new hat just to make sure they notice me and know my new status. Fuck, he better be taping this, or I'll kill him, he knows it's live at our village hall, and he better be taping this.
Oh, yes, expert, that’s right, oh, a wee joke about times gone by, hee hee, hand over the mouth like a lady, a little bit coy, but not too much. The expert is building up, all the other nosey bastards standing around, pretending they give a fuck, they know the score, stand in line of the camera and try to look knowledgeable and someone might spot you, that’s right, frown a bit too, that’s it.
We get to the nitty gritty now, the expert is asking if it's insured, and you piss yourself just a wee bit in excitement, you haven't been this excited since you were up for election for secretary in the WI, that bitch Norma, wait til she sees this. No, it’s not insured, expert, big eyes, give it the big doleful eyes, come on, yes, tell me I'm fuckin minted, come on...
‘Well,’ he begins on his build up, 'they used to be popular...'
Oh no, ‘used to be’, ah fuck, this isn't good, that’s past tense, don't tell me I'm to fall at the last bastard hurdle, - but then he changes like a Beardsley side step..
'and now they are even more rare - especially with this watermark.’
Smiles all round, look at everybody staring, they're all watching you with admiration, they might want to get to know you after this, even speak to you and have you over for a coffee morning and talk about organising things in the village for charity.
The expert, revelling in this, he knows he has you and the rest of them, and he utters the magic words.
'Ah, as for a current estimate,'
The words hang in the air, silence, deafening, roaring silence, you can hear your heart beating like a fuckin hammer in your head, and you know at this very second that no matter what this arsewipe says, no matter even if he says it’s worth fuck all, you will give it the standard shock treatment of, 'REALLY, OH MY GOODNESS!'
Just for once though, if it was a lot, wouldn't it be brilliant to hear someone say, ‘Holy fuck, fuckin get in you cunts, YESSSSS!’
But no, that would be common. Self control and keep up the act.
Then, when you’re so close to pulling it off, tragedy strikes...
The fart is like a fucking machine gun, it takes everyone by surprise, even you, for a split second, but once it’s out, it's out, and the old sphincter isn't as sharp as it used to be, not after those anal beads you thought were great on holiday last year. You’re only a split second too late in closing the anus, but the damage is done and you've fired off a splattering.
You are shocked.
Kids are pointing at you, red with laughter, others are doubled over, trying to breathe through tears of mirth and the expert is now retching and the producers and cameramen are in convulsions. As for you, you just pick up your plate and head for the gate, just get away, get away. You keep your head down, just focus on green grass, new white shoes, green grass, oh, the shame, a fucking laughing stock and even as you make your way out of the gate, it hits you and your heart sinks.
Your husband has probably taped this, he really is totally fuckin clueless.
(c) S Cooper