Byker Books

 

 

Once upon a time in a faraway land there lived a beautiful princess called Keely. She lived at the very top of a tall tower called the South Acton Estate in London. Beautiful Princess Keely longed for a handsome prince to come and whisk her off her Nike Airs and ride off into the sunset with her in a shiny white beamer. So the message was sent across the land that a suitor was needed.

 

Prospective husbands travelled from far and wide to visit Keely, some waited for trains that never arrived and many travelled in cars which ran out of petrol before they reached her and could not afford to refill their tanks.

Some did manage to reach the Kingdom of London, and although they had dreamed of the princess for many days and nights, they soon became way-laid by business opportunities and spent their wedding dowries on buckets and squeegees and started glittering careers at the traffic lights on the A40. Others bought cheap suits from a tailor named ‘George’ , became involved in pyramid schemes and were never seen again.

 

Ahmed was the most determined of all the suitors and reached the town of Acton first. Being from far away Birmingham he was not aware of the hazards of entering a tower block in West London. On entering the lift Ahmed became overcome with the powerful fumes of ammonia, passed out and was robbed of his mobile phone and his trainers. Luckily when he awoke he was on the fifteenth floor and Princess Keely was eagerly awaiting him.

 

They fell in love at first sight and simply could not keep their hands off each other. Before the plans for the wedding could even begin they had posted their first ‘special’ video on the internet. Unfortunately for them, Ahmed’s father came across this ‘special’ posting and before you could say “it never did Paris Hilton any harm” his parents had driven down from Birmingham and packed poor Ahmed off to India to stay with a distant uncle.

 

Poor princess Keely was distraught and, sadly, also pregnant. But soon after the next suitor arrived – his name was Gary. He vowed to love Keely more than she had ever been loved before and also to love baby Kylie like his own. He loved them so much he had their names tattooed on the back of his neck. Garys tatts and his souped up metallic blue Clio sports (with spoiler & skirts) made him a face on the estate and soon he was making friends with all the neighbours. Before you could say “Amy Winehouse in mobile phone video drug shocker” he was sitting in the stairwells doing a crack pipe with his new friends on a daily basis.

 

Poor Keely was left alone and once again distraught and pregnant. Finally her third and final suitor arrived and his name was Marek. Marek had travelled many, many miles all the way from the far away land of Poland Although her and Marek didn’t have the tings like she had with Ahmed, he was loyal and hardworking and promised he would work hard to provide a good life for Keely, Kylie and baby Brooklyn. Marek did indeed work long & hard and because he was not really allowed to work in the Kingdom of London he had to work longer and harder for less pay. Poor Keely became lonely and discovered a thing called the internet whilst she was left alone in the house for hours and hours after she’d dropped the kids at her mums house every day.

 

One day the lonely Princess came across a site called Facebook and it was here that she became reunited with her first love Ahmed. He was now a very rich man as he had invested wisely in some very profitable Indian clothing factories who were doing business with big corporations such as Primark and Marks & Spencer. Ahmed promised that he would return to Keely as soon as he had sorted out his affairs in India, but before he could even book his flights his business ventures had made him something of a celebrity in the UK and he had even been featured in a well known BBC program ’Panorama’.

 

Unfortunately, Ahmeds celebrity status mean he could never return to the UK without being mobbed by his fans and he was forced to go and live in a cave in Albania for a number of years.

 

Poor Keely was once again distraught and to make matter worse, due to an unfortunate case of mistaken identity, Mareks photo had been put in the front page of a tabloid newspaper declaring that he was a Paedophile. The family’s house was burned down and they were chased out of the South Acton Estate and forced to move to the faraway land of Huddersfield where Marek decided that he had had enough and fled back to Poland.

Poor Keely was once again alone & distraught but thankfully this time not pregnant. She could not see a happy ending or a way out of her lonely dismal life and so, finally, decided she had no alternative but to turn to prostitution. Little did she know that her luck had changed. On her first night out on the street, she was picked up by a kindly gentleman who said that he was a local MP and was looking for young ladies such as herself to help them change their lives. This generous old man said that in return for small favours Keely, Kylie & Brooklyn could move into what he called his ‘second home‘. He told her that not only could she spend the day at John Lewis choosing new furniture for it but if she just answered the phone at the house now and again and explained that the gentleman was not there at the moment she would be paid a tidy sum into her bank account every month too.

 

Keely was delighted and needless to say, they all lived happily ever after.