Byker Books

 

 

Eddie walked through the arrivals gate at the JFK airport and immediately located his brother Brad.

‘Jesus! You look a right state Eddie, what happened?’

‘It’s a long story wee man, git me to your boozer and I’ll tell you over a few pints.’

The two brothers jumped in a fast yellow to Brad’s bar ‘The Buckfast’ and were soon hitting the drink – not the watered down piss he palmed the locals off with either.

‘Still playing the professional ex-pat then Bradley?’

‘They love it man, I sell gallons of the stuff. The yanks are right intae it as well, you should see it. It gits mobbed in here on match days, even when the games are on in the early hours. So come on then, what’s with the broken nose and the two black eyes?’

Eddie, already into the alcoholic swing of things from his flight took a long drink from his glass.

‘Do you remember me telling you I was going on some television show?’

‘That reality house thing. I kept up with it for a few days on the internet but then I blew it off because you were acting like a right plum. If I remember rightly you were sucking up to everyone so you didnae git voted off.’

‘That was just at the start and only because the rules were basically each week you voted who you wanted out, and the one with the most votes went. Then when it got down to the last three people the public phoned up and voted, with the last person in the house winning fifty grand.’

‘So you figured at the start you’d gain everyone’s confidence and widnae git voted off.’

‘Exactly’

‘Did it work?’

‘Up to a point. We started off with fifteen and straight away the house split intae two groups, one full of normal people and the other full of transvestites, outrageously camp gays and lesbians, and an assortment of fag-hags.’

‘So it was a good representation of the general public?’

‘I know, it’s the same every year, they only do it to git people fighting. Anyway back to my point, the house was in two factions so my tactics were to float between the two groups to ensure that I didnae git voted out quickly.’
Brad knew his brother well and he couldn’t see him bonding very well with the more extreme of the two groups.

‘How long did that last then?’

‘About two weeks, but then we all got pissed and I ended up trying to convert one of the lesbians.’

A laughing Brad replied.

‘Is that how you got the shiners?’

‘Nah the show was a while back, these are fresh. That wisnae the problem either, I actually managed to git a wank off her, but when one of the puffs found out he said that if I could try and turn her, then he was allowed to try and turn me.’

‘I wish I’d kept watching now, so what happened there then? Please say you didnae.’

Eddie couldn’t believe his brother could even doubt him for a moment.

‘Fuck off course I didnae, I told him that I wisnae interested but he kept being all mincey and suggestive around me. Then the twat started trying to touch me when he spoke to me, it was gitting a bit much so I had to go to the producers and tell them that I wanted him to stop sexually harassing me.’

Brad had always known his brother to git intae some weird situations but this was becoming a bit too surreal for him.

‘So what happened then, did it stop?’

‘The producers got him to stop but it caused a load of hassle in the house. By this time I’d nailed my colours to the mast of the normal group and the gay group would hardly speak to me, even though the lesbian one and me still got on well.’

‘How come?’

‘She said that she’d always wanted to try it with a man and there were nae hard feelings. I didnae know at the time but it caused even more grief outside of the house, apparently gay rights groups were going mental saying it was double standards.’

‘I can see their point.’

‘Bollocks! If she’d never consented and I’d ground her down then fair enough, but it wisnae like that. We were both pissed and I just asked on the off-chance if she’d ever been with a bloke, she said no but she’d like to try it, and that was that as far we were concerned.’

‘Was she any good?’

‘Surprisingly yes. You know how most birds can be a bit clumsy and heavy handed when they toss you off, well she wisnae. She gave me probably the best handjob I’ve ever had, well…excluding me of course.’

‘Probably something to do with the fact that she fancies lasses as well. So did you git voted out by all the gays then?’

‘No I never because I’d made an alliance with the other group. We all voted against the gay lad and he got voted off, then as the weeks went by we just picked them off one at a time.’

Brad got up and went to git another couple of pints from the bar while he digested everything that Eddie had told him. Most people he knew didnae even git wanked off by their wives, never mind some lesbian that they’d only just met, but then again most people he knew never went on television and caused a national outcry amongst gay rights activists. Brad sat back down and handed Eddie his second round of lager.

‘So what happened then?’

‘Well I knew that once all of the gay group were out then I’d be up against it as I’d come intae the group later than the rest. So I made another tactical change and a couple of weeks before the last of the gay group went out, I began to pursue a girl called Lisa.’

‘What was she like then?’

Brad indicated to his drink.

‘Well you widnae unless you’d done a few of these in. For a start she was Irish so she had all that “Oh Ireland is great but I still won’t go and live there” bullshit going on. She was in her late thirties as well which I’ve nothing against, but she was one of those birds that was big until a few years back, and I mean a proper obese twenty stoner, but now she’s skinny with all these loose folds of skin hanging off her. The face wisnae too bad but as I’ve said she was Irish so when she spoke it spoilt the image.’

Brad was relieved the bar was shut, a load of his customers were Irish and they wouldn’t take to kindly to Eddie’s obvious issue with them.

‘So why did you start to go after her then?’

Eddie had asked himself the same thing many times since he left the house, but hindsight wisnae a gift that he’d been blessed with. He knew why he’d initially chosen that path but on reflection he should have looked at the bigger picture.

‘It was all to do with the game wisnae it. The fact that I didnae like her either sexually, or as a person, was irrelevant, all I wanted was to stay in the game. Fifty grand is a lot of money and at that stage I needed some help, and Lisa was the best person for the job.’

Having been a self-imposed recluse from the reality television genre Brad couldn’t quite see the connection between progressing in the game and becoming intimate with someone who you didnae like.

‘So how could she help?’

‘I targeted her as she was such an influence within the group, and the fact that she had a lot of insecurities about how she looked, just made my job much easier. By flattering her and building up her confidence I immediately secured her vote but more importantly the trust of the gang.’

Brad knew what his brother was like and as a result he knew the answer to his next question, but he was impelled to ask it anyway.

‘Did you shag her then?’

‘Of course I did, I had to make sure I looked authentic to everyone, especially her. Anyway I’ve done worse before and that was for no financial gain, I stood to win fifty grand here.’

‘Aye but you were only sixteen then and it wisnae exactly a case of shag this woman and you git fifty grand.’

‘Well it was sort of, a newspaper was peeved that nae-one had ever shagged in the house and put up a prize of thirty grand to the first couple to shag. I was hoping to win that with the lesbian which never came off, but as it turned out this helped my game-plan no end.’

‘How?’

‘After shagging Lisa, we were, in her mind, an official couple. So as the weeks went on she’d influence the vote so that I stayed in the house.’

Brad heard a knock on the window and quickly jumped up to let the cleaner into the bar. On his return he asked the most pressing question in his mind.

‘And everyone fell for that?’

‘It was easy, all I had to do was keep reassuring her that she looked, and was, great. She took care of the rest.’

‘You must have been bursting to tell someone.’

‘I was and I did.’

Eddie laughed at his own memories, leaving his brother eager to hear more.

‘Who?’

‘They had this diary type camera that you could confess your true thoughts to.’
Brad stopped Eddie.

‘You didnae.’

‘Course I did.’

Eddie’s reply brought about an incredulous laugh and a playful punch on the arm from his brother.

‘So you told this camera you were only shagging her to stay in longer.’

‘Worse than that I’d go in and slag her right off, calling her the self-absorbed, annoying, fat, slut that she was. This was another tactic though.’

Brad almost spat out his beer.

‘How could doing that help you win?’

‘I knew I’d never win the thing, I was too normal. Anyway the viewers would have seen through me before I started doing that in the diary room, this tactic was to drum up as much publicity as possible.’

‘Even more than the lesbian and shagging incidents?’

Eddie could see his brother’s point, but Brad didnae know how the game worked.

‘I wanted publicity as a bad boy persona, so when I went intae the diary room I could tout myself to all the lads mags.’

‘What Razzle and Escort?’

‘More FHM and Loaded, but Razzle would have done.’

Eddie’s story was becoming too complex for Brad to keep up with so he pressed for a conclusion.

‘So what was all of this in aid of? What was the end aim?’

‘Money. I knew I widnae win but the shag got me a guaranteed fifteen grand, and I knew I’d clock up much more when I got out if I played on the rouge image.’

‘And did you?’

‘I made another two hundred and fifty grand in two months.’

‘Really.’

‘Yes really.’

Brad whistled his appreciation.

‘Two hundred and sixty five grand, I should charge you for these pints then. So what did you want the money for?’

The alcohol, the flight and the latest re-telling of his tale were catching up with Eddie so he promised to tell Brad the rest after he’d caught up on a bit of sleep.

* * *
The sounds of bar-room frivolity eventually woke a disorientated Eddie and he soon remembered that he was at his brothers bar in America. Making his way downstairs he was happy to see a few pockets of smart looking women, of various age groups, in amongst the throng. Having just pulled a round of drinks for one his regulars, Brad followed the customers questioning gaze and turned to see Eddie walking towards him. Brad explained that the bloke behind the bar with the broken nose and black eyes was his brother. Happy with this, and more so that the fear of a robbery (which could have resulted in having to drink somewhere more expensive) had gone, Brad’s customer returned to his friends, whilst he turned to Eddie.

‘Feeling better now?’

‘Much better, who are those girls?’

Eddie pointed over to the best looking group of females in the bar.

‘No good to you mate, especially after recent events. Look at what they’re drinking.’

Once Brad had mentioned it Eddie became immediately aware of the fact that each one of the group of demure, cheer-leader pretty girls were drinking four-pint pitchers of beer.

‘What a waste, nae chance of turning them I suppose?’

‘Absolutely none, especially with your two shiners. Anyway we’re going out for a meal where you can tell me the rest of your tale, oh yeah and you’re paying.’

Having handed over the responsibility of the bar to his staff, Brad swiftly arranged a cab and before long they were seated at the restaurant. With the drinks ordered, Eddie began to tell Brad of the events which took place after his time on the show.

‘So like I said, I was raking it in off TV shows, personal appearances and even adverts.’

‘Adverts? What did you advertise? ‘The male guide to being a bastard.’

‘Well I thought it was strange as well but I was gitting asked to advertise things like deodorant. The slogan they used was “It turns any girls head”, which was good but if I’d managed to git the lessa to give me a blow-job it would’ve been genius.’

Brad glanced around; hoping no-one could understand his brother’s scottish dialect.

He could’ve told Eddie to tone it down but it would’ve fallen on deaf ears, so he chose to rely on the Americans disposition to only understand people from London and the Home Counties. Unaware of Brad’s minor unease, Eddie progressed his tale.

‘All the lad mags were hailing me as some sort of hero. I came first in a poll of celebrities you’d like to go out on the lash with, beating Noel Gallagher intae second place. I knew it widnae last though so I set about making plans for the future.’

Brad hoped the conversation was now going to take a more responsible, less surreal, direction.

‘Like what?’

‘I started looking intae running a bar.’

Brad’s surprise hid the tinge of hurt in his voice.

‘A bar? I’ve asked you to come over here loads of times to help me run this place.’

‘I know man but that would’ve been easy. With mum and dad gone I wanted to prove to you that I could buy and run my own place just like you did.’

‘You don’t need to prove anything to me mate; besides I was lucky, right place right time.’

‘You still had the balls to go for it and I respect you for that, just like I want to git your respect.’

Although they spoke on the phone often, Brad and Eddie hadn’t seen each other for a couple of years now, and excluding the unreal reality show tales, he could see that his brother was maturing.

‘Eddie you’re my brother, you’ll always have my respect. So how did the bar thing go?’

‘Concept wise it’s the future, financially I lost nothing, but in practice I ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes.’

‘I was wondering when we’d git to that.’

Over starters of chicken caesar salad and lobster soup, Eddie shared his public house proprietor experiences with his sibling.

‘I was quids in and I wanted a bar and I figured Scotland would be the best place. I’d have cheap rent, all day opening, enthusiastic customers and lots of violence.’

Brad’s eyebrows raised as he spoke.

‘Violence in a bar, I don’t follow, that’s the last thing I want in mine.’

‘But this is where my concept comes in. Imagine you had a bar and in that bar you had a room where people could sort out their differences, man to man.’
Brad thought of his regulars and all he could vision was a room full of drunks squaring up to anyone within a ten metre radius.

‘No chance mate, as soon as they’d had a few they’d be lining up with bottles and chairs.’

Eddie had counter-argued the doubters in Scotland many times before so he knew what his brother was going to say before he said it.

‘Ah but the room has rules. Drunks can’t just steam in and have a tear-up with pool cues and such like.’

A doubtful Brad replied.

‘Explain the rules then.’

‘There’s nae weapons allowed, the rooms are padded so you can’t shatter skulls off walls and the contestants have to wear gum-shields so there’s nae biting. Also to prevent drunks going in on the spur of the moment, they need to arrange to use the room in advance and everyone gits breathalysed before being allowed to enter.’

Although he could appreciate that the rules would help control things Brad still wasn’t satisfied.

‘So who’d enforce the rules? Bouncers? Gangsters?’

Before answering Eddie smiled at his own genius.

‘The biggest gangsters in town – The Polis.’

Brad actually spat out his soup.

‘Piss off; they’d never go for it.’

‘But Brad, they did,’

Over their main course Eddie explained that record levels of drug abuse, violence, stabbings and shootings in Glasgow had led to a public outcry. The politicians and the overstretched, paper-work orientated police were losing control as gangs and drugs ran riot. The government’s liberal attitude towards crime, immigration and social handouts had created a society which was seemingly top-heavy with an underclass.

These people were happy to exist within a life consisting of welfare checks, robbing and chemical imbalance, which in turn fuelled drug-orientated gang warfare across the city. Every paper was filled with letters suggesting solutions to the anarchy, these ranged from the return of conscription and capital punishment, through to paying Thai prisons to accommodate criminals. The debate was complicated and seemingly endless, but as it was contested within the media, bars, workplaces and the bingo halls of Glasgow, Eddie had picked up on one common theme mentioned by everyone - no-one ever had a square-go anymore. Now even school children settled fights using guns and knives.

Brad wasn’t shocked by Eddie’s tales of Glasgow, his mid- Manhattan neighbourhood, formerly known as Hell’s Kitchen, used to be one of the roughest places on earth, and the tales he’d heard from some of his older clientele used to leave him visibly shaken. However he was still taken aback by Eddie’s next sentence, not because of any terrible violence but because of the insanity of it.

‘So with the public outcry in full swing, me and my backers approached the polis and council with the idea for the “square-go bar” – and they agreed to it.’

‘They agreed to trial a bar where fighting was allowed?’

‘They had to. Once we explained that it would only need eight polismen to run it, and that for those eight polismen they’d potentially be putting an end to all the gang wars, all the hooligan fights and even the petty grudges harboured since school, they had nae option but to try it. We paid the polismen’s wages and they x-rayed, breathalysed and searched the punters, we even cut them in on the betting by taxing it and sharing it with the plod.’

He knew it was crazy but to Brad the idea made total sense as well. If two rival gangsters wanted to settle a dispute why lose good friends on either side, they could simply have a fight with the law ensuring its fairness. Eddie continued his well-versed sales pitch, explaining it would bring back a code of fairness and respect, replacing the current vogue of weapons and vendettas. The public would surely approve, if only because they would no longer get caught in cross-fire of any dispute. From the police point of view it’d cut violent crimes dramatically, which would mean less paperwork, more available resources and most importantly less expense.

‘So how did it go?’

Eddie ran through the opening nights turns of events in his head and felt his nose ache.

‘Everything was set-up for the first night, the place was rammed and there were five fights arranged. Three of them were minor disputes between family members and such like…’

Eddie reached over and gave Brad a playful punch as he continued.

‘.. and the other two were real crowd pullers. Football hooligans are still big up there and we had a load of lads who’d travelled down from Aberdeen to have a three against three with some Celtic lads. But the main event was big Tam McGregor, an old school villain, against Joey Deeks, who ran most of Glasgow’s bouncers.’

‘I must admit it does sound good.’

‘It would’ve been as well but just as the first fight was about to start the DJ made an announcement.’

Brad was intrigued and found it quicker to nod, rather than speak, in order to git his brother to go on.

‘Well the DJ announced that, that Lisa bird off the reality show had turned up and she was challenging me to a fight.’

Brad, having lived in America for almost ten years now, whooped at the surprise of this latest twist, and he no longer cared about the thoughts of the diners sat around them.

‘Christ! What did you do?’

‘Well I had to accept. I tried talking her around but she kept ranting in my face and there was loads of television crews with her so I cudnae say no, I’d have been crucified and my image as a bloke would have been shot to bits. So we signed the disclaimers and went on first.’

With a little too much glee in his voice Brad replied.

‘Did she give you the shiners?’

‘Did she fuck, I smashed her all over, if it was on a play-station it would have been a perfect victory.’

He didn’t believe in violence against women but Brad couldn’t help himself giggling as Eddie tried to justify his actions.

‘I know I shouldn’t have but I’d had a few pints and she was the one who’d come storming in with the television cameras. I was the face behind the venture so I had to accept her challenge, and anyway she widnae take no for an answer.’

As Eddie spoke his face turned solemn but Brad still couldn’t control his giggles.

‘Sorry mate but this is funny stuff.’

‘What happened next wisnae.’

Brad stopped laughing as Eddie’s tone dictated.

‘So what happened then?’

‘Big Tam who was on the main bill came over and said he didnae agree with me hitting lasses and that’s how I got these…’

Eddie indicated to his dark swollen eyes. ‘…then the polis nicked him, which made Joey Deeks go mental. He was saying it was all a betting scam, that Tam never intended to fight him, but the coppers still got the betting tax.’

‘Did they?’

‘Yes, but it wisnae a set-up. Then to make matters worse some of the Aberdeen boys had got wind of Deeks shouting his mouth off and recognised him from some old battle, and then it all went off big time. Honestly the whole place went up, I was shitting it.

‘The whole bar was scrapping?’

‘Absolutely everyone, even the television crew we’d got in to film the event went after the crew that were following Lisa around, it was mental.’

‘Jesus Christ Eddie, is all this a wind-up?’

‘I wish. I thought you might not believe it so I’ve brought all the press cuttings. From the granting of the license to the mass brawl, the whole lot is back at your place.’

* * *
In the back-room at Brad’s bar, Eddie took his brother through each stage of “Square Go’s” development as reported in the media. He possessed a balanced account of the press’ take on events, examples being the Scottish Guardian’s “Back To The Stone-age” headline, which was cleverly counteracted by the Scottish Sun’s “Back To The Old School”.

After reading through everything over a few drinks, and answering Brad’s many questions, Eddie decided it was time to make his pitch.

‘This room’s a decent size like.’

Despite the evening’s food and drink, Brad wasn’t so sluggish that he didnae detect Eddie’s clumsy approach.

‘What? You’ve got nae chance mate.’

‘Go on Brad. I’d pay for everything, the room padding, the advertising, the lot.’

‘Fuck off. I’m happy as I am and anyway it failed in Scotland so imagine it here. This city is far rougher.’

‘That’s why it would work. The polis here are crying out for something like this, all we need to do is drop the gambling side and cut out the inter-sex fights.’

The theory of the idea appealed to Brad but the reality of the press cuttings was too extreme, however he didnae want to crush his brother’s spirit so he chose to throw Eddie an impossible lifeline.

‘You know Eddie what you achieved in Glasgow was massive, you done really well just to git that far.’

‘But what? Go on, I know there’s a but.’

‘There are two actually. The first one is, but I can’t see the city going for it over here, and the second one is, but if you can git the approval of the state, the polis and the mayor - basically everyone, then I’m in.’

To Brad’s surprised, Eddie punched the air in triumph. It was as though he’d just won a thousand bucks on a horse, rather than having just been given to go-ahead to run himself intae the ground, and waste lots of money chasing an unobtainable pipedream.

‘I knew you widnae let me down. We’ll git rich from this, I’m telling you.’

* * *
The crowd was a sell-out. Even after the fourth expansion The Buckfast could still only hold one thousand capacity, but these one thousand weren’t just any old punters, these people were beyond rich. To add to the smell of money coming their way, the world-wide chain of “Square Go” bars were all packed out and the generated pay-per-view receipts were the biggest ever recorded for any event worldwide. Even if Ali and Tyson had fought in their prime it wouldn’t have generated this much revenue, this was the big one. People could argue that there had already been some big fights and disputes settled at this venue, for example when Fly from the Crips knocked out the Blood’s top boy Gunner, that one fight prevented thousand of killings all over America, but tonight it was bigger, tonight it was global.

As Bush waited at the entrance to the padded room and took his breathalyser test he looked inside and saw his opponent waiting for him in the corner, the beard and turban serving only to make him look bigger than he really was. This was going to be brutal.

Eddie surveyed the crowd, mentally counted every banknote and then turned to his brother.

‘You know Brad, we can’t top this, it’s all downhill from here.’

Brad’s attention was diverted by the spectacle of the President of the USA delivering a right cross to the worlds most wanted man and he just murmured back ‘yeah, shame we can’t diversify a bit…’

Eddie was waiting for this

‘Well it’s funny you should say that cos I’ve had this idea for another chain of bars’

Brad was still enthralled by the blood and snot washing around the ring and just grunted back ‘what would you call them then?’

Eddie smiled, ‘Gieing it the message…’